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Follow me on Twitter [Jun. 25th, 2009|03:50 pm]
heyouniverse
user name: EmissaryRemix
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2008|04:27 pm]
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Speaking of the Democrats winning the election...

This is what really happens when you have an abortion. Think twice about it.


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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2008|04:53 pm]
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Is anybody going to see Brave Combo in Arlington tonight? Me and a couple friends are going, and it would be cool meet up with folks.
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I can't not share this with you guys. [Oct. 6th, 2008|12:35 am]
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Japan, thank you for making weird/hilarious/awesome things.
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Let's talk E3. [Jul. 15th, 2008|06:59 pm]
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XBOX 360/PS3: Xbox360, the system has more of the types of games that Japanese people like to play than the PS3, yet the PS3 is outselling it several times over because "OMG it's a foreign console!" Square is not even going to bother releasing the Xbox 360 port of it's flagship title, a game that lies well within the top three most wanted games in almost every Japanese poll, in Japan at all. Even though it's going to be ported anyway for Europe and the US. Just wow. Meanwhile, the US, the 'box doesn't seem to have anywhere to go but up. Hopefully, next year Bungie will announce a non-halo title that is not less mediocre than Brute Force. Or just do what game companies do best: endless sequels. Son of Halo. I'd play it.


Nintendo: Actually, I feel embarrassed for them. Their "revolution" is looking more and more like it will be remembered as the POGs of the 2000's.

And Wii music...well:

</lj-embed>



It seems they're trying to give people the feeling of impersonating this:





But more realistically, they seem to be impersonating this:



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The Shadow God by Aaron Rayburn [Jul. 15th, 2008|01:04 pm]
heyouniverse
The Worst Book Ever Written--The Shadow God, by Aaron Rayburn, January 19, 2007
By Charles Moore (St. Joseph, MO United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: The Shadow God (Hardcover)
"Trapped under a beam with the countdown ticking away, the monster just on the other side of the battered door, and my friends are trying to free me, I look up at them and yell, "Go on without me. I'll be alright. I'll hold him off while you escape!" And my friends, because they know my sacrifice won't be in vain, make their getaway and when the monster breaks through just as the explosives go off, I know I died saving the lives of my dearest friends."

That pretty much sums up my experience reading Aaron Rayburn's novel, THE SHADOW GOD. I took one for the team, so the rest of you would NEVER have to be subjected to this beast. I beg you, don't let my selflessness be for nothing. Heed my warning. This is the worst book ever written.

The back cover copy reads "Craig Johnson had two best friends, two caring parents, a hot girlfriend, and a nice truck--not bad for a twenty-year-old." Already we're in trouble. The author photo shows Rayburn in all his mid-20s virginal glory. Manson contacts, a black cap turned backwards with a red 666 monogrammed on it, he's posing next to what looks like a rubber demon. His bio includes the line "He also says that he owes a great deal of gratitude to the Devil . . . for filling his mind with such horrific images."

If this book is the most horrific thing the devil can come up, I think humanity is safe from the threat of hell.

There are so many things wrong with this book, I decided to keep notes so I could present them in an orderly fashion, with quotes to back me up. I don't want you to take my word for this novel's horridness, I'm going to let Rayburn speak for himself. We'll start with the plot.

Craig Johnson was cursed at birth when his parents left the town church led by the possibly-evil Father Spiers. Spiers then tricked Craig's father Matt into strangling him, only in the end, Matt had killed, not Father Spiers, but one of the doctors. So Matt's been in jail Craig's entire life. Shortly after Craig's 20th birthday he begins to notice a blue light emanating from his bedroom closet. He calls for his mommy (I'm not making that up, it's on page 14), but she doesn't see any light, so he plays it off like he'd seen a rat, and asks her to check in his closet. After she leaves, Craig is compelled to enter the light, which takes him to the Dark World, which is sometimes like a vast black void, paved of course cuz you have to have something to walk on in a void, and sometimes is like Craig's own neighborhood, complete with the houses of his friends. Those friends, Todd and Mark, are also pulled into the Dark World, but they make their escape and then begins the action as the three try to solve the mystery of the blue light and the dark world. To sum up--this book is 454 pages, okay?--Craig is the reincarnation of Abel, the Shadow God is Cain, and Father Spiers is Cain's acolyte, sent to prepare for his return to the real world. In the midst of all this Mark is killed and resurrected by Ridley, a club owner/satanist (he runs The Satanist Group Association. Again, I wish I was making this up!) and servant to Spiers and the Shadow God.

Craig's girlfriend, his mother, his father, as well as Mark's sister Margie and Todd's parents, are all killed and the cops think Craig did it. One cop does, anyway, Detective Jim Underwood, son of the doctor Craig's father Matt strangled to death 20 years earlier. DUN-DUN-DUN!!! There's a showdown where Craig is sucked into another portal to face Cain, who then becomes a dragon, and Todd jumps in to help his friend, they all die--except Craig--and we live happily ever after.

Okay, I know it doesn't seem THAT bad from the plot. But I haven't begun quoting yet. Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Rayburn wasn't even close.

"Spiers's eyes popped extraneously from their sockets, as his face turned from a deep red to a sickly purple."

"Extraneous" means "irrelevant." I don't think that's what he meant. At least, I hope not.

Here's my favorite:

"The lamp's glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement."

Emanating, Rayburn, EMANATING. When will people learn never to trust their SpellCheck without verifying it's the word they meant??? There are, in total, 11 instances of Rayburn using the wrong word, and believe me, each one is funnier than the last.

Okay, one more.

"It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before."

To be honest, I don't know what word he meant, but I keep seeing Craig's lung filing patents for a dozen new inventions, getting promotions for discovering an even newer formula for Tide laundry detergent, or finding the cure for cancer.

Then there are the characters. Craig and his buddies are all 20, they're in college, and they have cars and money. Craig bribes the guard with hundred dollar bills when he's trying to get in to see his father in
prison. Yet never in the entire book do these men go to class, nor to a job. Where did Craig get his "nice truck"? His mother works "odd jobs", so I doubt she co-signed the loan.

And the dialogue. Oh dear, the dialogue.

"That's probably the fiercest dragon known to man," Craig tells Todd toward the end. Because, you know, we have so many different kinds of dragons in the world with which to compare.

Okay, so he uses the wrong word and his characters are morons. You can overlook a misused word here and LOTS of writers are horrible with characters. Hell, I'm guilty of this myself. But sometimes he just
plain gets his facts WRONG:

"The stranger was beastly in size with thick, bushy eyebrows, a prominent protruding forehead, and a thick, black coarse beard. His gait was that of a mammal--a Neanderthal."

I know I never went to college, but um . . . do you think Rayburn knows HUMAN BEINGS are mammals as well?

And later we learn that Cain and Abel were Neanderthals who lived in the stone age, feared dinosaurs, and that Cain was kicked out of the Garden of Eden for slaying his brother. Dude, Cain and Abel weren't born until a LONG time after Adam and Eve--the only two people who ever lived in the Garden of Eden--were kicked out.

And not only is this the worst book ever written, it's also the worst-written book ever.

Behold:

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

And:

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."

???

Wasn't that already established in the previous sentence?

"Eubanks looked annoyed. He exhaled annoyingly and said..."

You know what? I could do this all night.

THE SHADOW GOD is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with publishing in today's world. Anyone with the notion--talent or not--can write a "book", then contact a place like AuthorHouse ("publisher" of this fine volume and, I'm sure, Rayburn's second novel which I don't care enough to look up the title to), and unleash this mess on an unsuspecting world. And then we wonder why no one reads anymore. Why should they? If this is the kind of stuff they're being subjected to.

Used to be a writer had to learn to WRITE before they could get published. Now, all you need is a couple thousand dollars and you got yourself a book. Talent? Who needs it? Skill? What for? Learning to write? Are you kidding me? Forget about it, I've got this here manyooscript and an address I can get it printed, I'mma be one of dem novelists. Riches, here I comes!!!

It's enough to make aspiring writers want to give up seeking legitimate publishing venues. Please don't. Just be sure to write better than this guy. God knows it won't be difficult. Or should I say, God knows it won't be deficit.
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Post I made on a message board. [Jun. 25th, 2008|02:59 am]
heyouniverse
Yes, I know this is lazy blogging, but I am lazy and wanted to share a bit of activity on a local message board.

Thread: Has America had its own Sartre?
OP: Honest question.

Guy A: don't laugh - Carl Sagan

Guy B,C,D: Yes! No! Blah Blah Blah Rabble Rabble

Me: Don't laugh: Cookie Monster

Guy A: If you're going that route... Mr. Rogers woulda been a better bet imo

Me: Well, sir, your "o" is clearly wrong, and obviously you do not understand the subtleties of MT (Monster theory, for the unfortunate philosophically uninitiated) Cookie monster's blue exterior is an obvious symbolic external manifestation of his inner state of being. He is afflicted with a (brilliantly) unnamed, mysterious and detrimental state of mind, and his only method of confronting it has finally become the all-comforting, all-satisfying, all-delicious escape from the horrors of post-modern pseudo-nihilism: the almighty cookie.

Even his name speaks volumes. He has reached a point in his life where the cookie has replaced any meaningful relationship he has ever had. The cookie is his best friend. The cookie is his motivation. The cookie has taken all the humanity he might have ever had. The cookie is his heart and soul. He is no longer the cookie man. He is no longer even the cookie person. He is the cookie monster, the horrific shell that has been left behind after his every scrap of humanity has been annihilated.

It would seem that the monster believes that the cookies can save him, but an analysis of his grammar quickly reveals the truth. He is unable to refer to himself in the first person. (e.g. I want a cookie.) He understands the horror he has become, and must substitute a direct-object pronoun in order to express his intent, in order to function without going insane from the shame and guilt. ME want cookie. The subtext of the expression of his desire is clear:

Me want cookie.
Me need help.
Me have no control over own life when value of human existence is extinguished in modern technocracy.

Guy A, you must come to the horrifying realization that you, by virtue of your existence, by virtue of your post modern life, want cookie too.

Do you want cookie, Livejournal?

Do you NEED. Cookie?
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Video game voice acting awards. [Jun. 6th, 2008|03:12 am]
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Look, mom, I'm on youtube! [Dec. 11th, 2007|02:36 pm]
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Or, at least, the movies I made for my intro to film and video class are...




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A recently overheard conversation: [Oct. 23rd, 2007|11:38 pm]
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A: Hey, dude, what do you call an elephant mixed with a hippopotamus?

B: What?

A: 'Ellephino!

C: Uh, isn't that supposed to be an elephant and a rhino? You know...like...elleph-INO like rh-INO?

A: Oh...Oh! Yeah, I guess that makes more sense!
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